Not so long ago, I lost the guy i truly love when he left me for another girl. Yes, i have been a victim of the cheating game once upon a time too and it had hurt like hell. For months all i could feel inside me was pain and emptiness. Then there was also longing... *Sigh* Those were the fucked up days of my life. The girl- I had once envied her for having the chance to love the guy I love, to be there with him, hug him, kiss him, cuddle and all that... and I had thought she was so lucky but then I got to know her and found out what a whore she really is. Not a bitch. But a whore. A slut.
To bury the hatchet---> that's what I'm supposed to do. But I haven't done that yet. And I used to wonder why I just can't bring myself to do so. Now, I know. It isn't that easy to forget. Yesterday, while I was scanning my boyfriend's friendster account, my eyes had fallen upon her name on the list of friends inviting Alex. I thought she was long gone from the picture. But I was so wrong. She still even in the littlest of way, exist in his life and I hate it. I wanted to erase her name from the list. I was tempted to do so and never tell my boyfriend...But I didn't. Instead I talked it out with Alex. He gave me the chance to decide upon the matter of his cheap ex-girlfiend. Erase it, approve it either way's fine with him. What did I do? I decided not to touch his account. I shall leave the decision to him still. And if he approves her for a friend, then this girl will just have to deal. There's no more reason to be bothered. I shouldn't be bothered or feel threatened by her presence in his life. It's me he loves and not her. He even told her yesterday about us. Yes, he saw her yesterday because she went to see him, try to win him back one last time...

A letter for the girl:

Dear slut,
I still hate you. Let me make that clear above anything else. I've given you your chance with him before. Now please make yourself disappear. He's never coming back to you ever again not while I'm still living and breathing. What he saw in you, I don't know. I am not trying to be all high and mighty here, just plain honest. No wonder you were so insecure, not wanting any other girl associating with Alex but you and your friends. My dog is prettier than you are. Don't wait for him. I guarantee you that you'll be waiting in vain. Did you really think he loves you? You're so stupid. You heard him yourself, did you not? He's not coming back. He's not going to change his mind. He doesn't want to. He's had enough. In short, he's sick of you. And he's with me now. He loves me just as I love him. My heart bleeds for your loss really---or on second thought, not really! You're such an idiot. Good riddance to you.

Am I dreaming?--->Sometimes I can't help but still ask myself that question since lately, things have been going absolutely okay between me and Alex and this makes me really happy. My days of paranoia have--- if not completely gone---at least, mellowed down. Now I can actually spend a day without worrying that he might be cheating on me again. These days, all I've been is a walking, grinning happy fool and it's all because of Alex. It's hard to believe he's becoming the boyfriend I've always wanted him to be. Caring, sweet, obedient and loving. Most girls would love their guy to shower them with gifts, chocolates and flowers but me, I'm happy enough having him around. He's what matters the most after all. Yes, I'm in love and I can proudly say I love every moment this feeling brings.

Like I said before, to love Alex is to have faith in him... Thank God he really did come through for me, for us. He came over to visit yesterday with Ken and the moment I saw him, pure ecstasy came over me. I wanted to ran over to him, hug him so tight and then kiss him but as much as I wanted to do just that, I had to hold myself back for the parental units were also there. My parents, specially my mom would have been shocked to see me do so. She wasn't so fond of Alex. Instead, I just said hello and gave him my biggest and warmest smile. I had to let him know even in some way that I had missed him so much and that his presence that day was greatly appreciated by me. So now, the good news is we finally have my parents' blessing or rather...my father's blessing. This news makes me absolutely happy because it's one step towards making this relationship of ours work out.

Two nights ago, while my cousin, Mark and I were inside our room, hanging out he suddenly spoke up and shared his thoughts about my current relationship. He told me I've lost control over myself and that I let my boyfriend get off the hook so easily. He said that he clearly sees the fact that I am in love with him but he doubts Alex feels the same way. He pointed out the reasons why he thinks my boyfriend doesn't seem to be as into the relationship as I am. I should let Alex prove his love for me, that's what he said because I have done my part on that. He said he knows I have a lot of fears in me and that I need to let it go if I wanted this relationship of mine to ever work out. And although I pretended not to be listening to whatever he was saying, I had been paying attention and thinking about it. In more ways than one, he was right. I have lost control and I have a lot of fears in me that I try to suppress as much as I can. I have to get a hold of myself or I'll be back in the same position I've been trying not to go back to. But I have faith in Alex. To love him is to have faith in him. He will come through for me, for us.

Today, I breathe a sigh of relief for my midterm exams are finally, finally over! Although this day falls on one of those sucky days. Why, you may ask? Because for one thing, I found out just when we were about to start the exam on my major subject that we were supposed to have our synopsis ready today and not on February as someone had informed me. So there I was, already nervous about the exam I was about to take because there were hearsays going around from the other section that it was gonna be a hard one when suddenly I noticed the short bond papers placed on top of the desk of my classmates and that's when it hit me. I had been misinformed and because I was supposed to write the sypnosis but never got to do so, my groupmates placed the blame on me. I felt so embarassed---ashamed even and so guilty that we were the only ones or rather they were the only ones (I didn't have trouble with the essay, it was my story to tell) who couldn't answer the essay part of the exam because they had zero idea what the story was all about. One of them was even surprised to find out that the first story we were supposed to had been changed. And as if that wasn't enough guilt baggage already, one of my friends and groupmate came up to me as soon as she had finished her exam and really blamed me. ME. As usual. Then my usual companion for school decided to tell me today when I had just woken up that she and my other friend, the one who blamed me were going to the parlor so I better get there pronto. The idea already started to annoy me for I was never informed of another companion, one I don't really feel like associating with so much but I patiently told her to at least give me ample time to prepare myself for school and then I'll come to her house. Then when it was finally time to go home, she decided to wait for her our other friend with me. I kept my cool and patiently waited, for I didn't want to go home alone, I hate going home alone but then she said that they were still going somewhere else. And that was it, no heads up warning whatsoever. That really annoys me. But what bugs me even more is how I appear to be so dependent on others when I know I shouldn't be. If there is anybody I should rely on all the time, it should be myself. I'm the one who wouldn't let me down no matter what.
You know what else sucks? It's when things don't go the way you want them to, no matter how much you would want it to.

Gawd...it's midterms week already. I am so stressed out and my exams have only just begun. At least Philippine Literature is over and done with, thank God for that! How did I do? I probably...passed. PROBABLY which means that's still a fifty-fifty chance survival. I may fail---again. I have answered the questions without sweating so much. But I really really am hoping to pass. So i'm keeping my fingers crossed. Did I mention exam week sucks big time? It really really does specially if they make us take that Biology exam on the days to follow. I mean hello? We didn't have a Biology class for the midterm half. The professor showed up and held a class for like what? Three days and they expect us to take a midterm exam in that subject?! NO WAY! All I can say is, they are seriously insane if they think we will take an exam on a subject we hardly know anything about. And don't they use the excuse "Stock Knowledge" on us because Biology is not just a so-so class. I'm supposed to be studying right now, you know because I still have exams. But instead, I'm online, blogging. Anyway, forcing myself to study would only do me more harm than good. I think my brain's on vacation. THIS IS SO BAD... Two down and three more exams to go. Goodluck to me. *Sigh*

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time


(BRIDGE)
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you


(CHORUS)


My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged


I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into


And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)


My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)


My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged


And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)


My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged


My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged


I love this song by TLC. I mean, it speaks to me. I am damaged. That is why I'm still scared of completely giving him my heart and trust again. I never ever ever ever want to go through the pain I felt when he left. I felt so...empty and so...alone. And i hate feeling that way. I haven't recovered completely from the blow. Even up to this time, the mention of her name---the slut who had taken him away still gets to me. When I finally can endure hearing her name without an ounce of hate left in my body, that'll be the day I can fully say I'm totally healed. I got back together with him but I still have those days that I wonder...even doubt about his loyalty. Days of paranoia, as I like to call it. A relationship is supposed to be built on trust, I know that. But can anyone blame me for questioning his love for me? So, this song is for him. A song to say what it is I feel inside, the one I can't say out loud.

My plan for Sunday is officially cancelled as of last night. I feel frustrated about that really because I have looked forward to seeing Alex only to find out that he can't make it any more. He got grounded---for the umpteenth time. I feel frustrated about that because I feel as though my efforts have gone to waste. I endured a very long talk with the parental units and said absolutely nothing negative about all the things they said, tried so hard not to flinch and get out no matter how much I wanted to, knowing I really don't want to be in that position and for what? For him to tell me he CAN'T MAKE IT. I am a very understanding girlfriend. I rarely complain or get angry at him but f*ck! I really hate not seeing him. I really, really do. I feel frustrated because the parental units are demanding to see him and to know him better. And I understand that it's for a good reason but I just wish they wouldn't demand so much to the point of telling me what to do. READ: Break up. What the hell right? Right!
One thing I realized is that the words "i love you" is not enough for an assurance in a relationship. The words would only have an impact when it's accompanied with actions...So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not completely happy. I love him, I do but to love him is not enough for this relationship to work out. At this point of time, I'm just hanging by a moment, hoping he'll come through for me. For us.

I know, I know. I haven't blogged for quite awhile. I've been busy...sorta. But anyway, here are the things that have happened to me lately...

January 7

Went home right after school. I called Alex on my cellphone, in hopes of talking to him on the phone. The 8th marks a special day for both of us (it's our first monthsary. yay!) and was hoping to make plans of going out with him. Unfortunately, we didn't have any plans. As in nada. zip. ZERO. Felt a little disappointed for that actually because I have been missing him so badly.

January 8
Our monthsary and we didn't go out. I stayed home all day long since St. Paul suspended our classes for today (whoopee, no Phil. Lit.!) because they have a staff meeting, preparation for the ISO. Called him in the morning before he went to school, greeted him happy monthsary and sorta talked a little. He was definitely sweet. *Squeals* Anyway, at least he didn't stay out after class today and go home in the evening. Would have gotten angry at him for that because it would appear as though he has time for his friends and billiards but no time for me, his girlfriend. Spent this day bloghopping and later on in the afternoon, helping out Anerine and Jack do our project in Art Appreciation. Got to talk to Alex in the evening though when Jack and Anerine had finally left. Thrice, to be exact. (",) Gawd, I'm so shallow, aren't I? But this is me, the real me. I guess you can call me the sentimental fool...
Asked my parents for permission to go out with Alex this Sunday. And as expected, the parental units freaked out again. They cornered me inside their room tonight when I was about to say goodnight and talked and talked and talked...to me. I'm not really afraid of enclosed spaces but whenever they do that to me, the two of them talking to me both at the same time, I start to feel claustrophobic. They actually think I can't handle the things in my life specially when it comes to Alex. One date and they begin to say I don't care about anything at all but him. Please...Let's not go overboard. I can handle things just fine.

January 9
Today, it's back to school. My midterms are next week already. Damn. Gotta hit the books soon. Aarrgghh. Spoke to my friend, Anerine while we were having our PE about the talk my parents and I did last night. We differ a lot in our ways of living our lives but when it comes to my parental problems, she's my favorite friend to talk to. She makes sense to me, more than any other friend. She points out both my point and their point and then after she listens, she gives a logical advice. And you know something, it's moments like that, that I appreciate her presence in my life---which is funny really when you think about it because I've been with her since 6th grade and yet it's only in those moments that I start to realize why I like having her for a friend despite our differences.
Am hoping to see Alex this Sunday. I really miss him. I can't wait 'til we can finally go out without my parents freaking out. I only hope he's still with me when that time finally comes. I love him so much...

Oh here's a quiz I took.


-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

well today is the day I went back to school which means to say my vacation's over...I was hoping for this but the odd thing is when I did go back to St. Paul, I wasn't quite as delighted as I thought I would be... Guess I could blame that for not being able to start my day right.
I had to force myself to wake up at 9am because today is the day my groupmates and I are schduled for an interview with that artist atanlungan ng Sining which was at 10am. So yes, since I woke up late, I had to hurry. It would be so bad if we were late for the interview because of me. Actually, my cousin had given me an early wake up call at around five-thirty but I thought that since we were all going to meet at Anerine's house, I could still sleep--after all, her house was only a few minutes away from mine. So the result was a stressed day...
When we got to the venue, the artist we were supposed to interview wasn't even there. Fortunately, there was this other artist---the President of all Artists of the Philippines to be exact who was there so we interviewed him instead. Or actually, Anerine and Jack did. I only sat there, pretending to admire his artworks which were placed in an album. Like I have said before, I think I don't have a single nerve on my body that appreciates that kind of art. I am usually active when it comes to project makings but I guess my laziness got the better of me again so I just let the others do the work. The only time I actually became alive and talkative was when we were finally done with the interview. At school, all I did was sit down, stifle a yawn and wish that my professors were absent so I could finally, finally go home. In short, school was a bore...Damn...I just remembered that tomorrow I have an early class at 7:30am, Phil. Lit. I cannot afford to be late on that subject again. Wouldn't want to be embarassed in front of the whole class like she said we would if we ever dare to come in after her. Hello stress...goodbye rest...
Naturally I met my friends again today after having so little communication with them during Christmas vacation. They all said they missed me... Question is...did I miss them? Hahaha...Yeah, I guess sort of. It was nice to hear Anerine gush about her fantasy guy, HRH Prince Harry, Belle's silly reactions to everything and Karla's stories about the guys in her life. Speaking of Karla, she got herself a new haircut. New year, new do I guess.(",)
I miss Alex...I sure wish I could see him soon...But until then, all I can do is sit and wait for that day. For now, let me just post this song I've started to love. It's Rivermaya's 214.

Am I real?
Do the words I speak before you
Make you feel
That the love I have for you
Will see no ending?

Well, if you look into my eyes
Then you should know
That you have nothing here to doubt
Nothing to fear
And you can lay your questions down
'Cause if you'll hold me
We can fade into the night
And you'll know

The world could die
And everything may lie
Still you shouldn't cry
'Cause time may pass
But longer than it'll last
I'll be by your side

Take my hand
And gently close your eyes
So you could understand
That there's no greater love tonight
Than what I've for you
Well, if you feel the same way for me
Then let go

We can journey to a garden no one knows
Life is short, my darling
Tell me that you love me

So we can fade into the night
And you'll know
The world could die
And everything may lie
But you won't cry
'Cause time may pass
And everything won't last
But I'll be by your side
Forever by your side
So you won't cry

Yeah...that song's for him. It's one of his favorite songs too...

well...my blog finally looks cute. It's so feminine, it reminds me of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde.

Anyway, what can I say? Went out yesterday 'cos my Dad's friends came by to visit--their annual visit which has sort of become a tradition in this family. The moment I finally decided to wake up which was by around one o'clock in the afternoon, they had arrived and it was time to go. So even though it was against my will to go, I dressed up and went because I had promised myself that I will become a good daughter. Thankfully, my cousin arrived that same day and was just in time to go with us. Our first stop was WOW Philippines. Nothing much to see there. We just walked around and looked at the stuffs for sale at the tiangges. Didn't buy anything because I didn't have a single centavo in my name. My cousin wanted to buy a mood ring though, just like mine. Fortunately, he wasn't able to buy one because the others were not stopping to look at the tiangges. Fortunately because that mood ring is a waste of money. Take mine for example. I bought that ring for 35bucks and it didn't even last me a day! He was able to buy another kind of ring though...After WOW Philippines, we headed to StarCity---our usual "pasyalan" during the New Year. It was so crowded, we barely had any time to ride. If it wasn't for my kid cousin who threw a fit when the adults decided not to go in anymore, we probably could have gone to some other place...Some better place..Anyway, I managed to have loads of fun at the Gabi ng Lagim when my cousin, tito and his niece, my kinakapatid, my tita and I went in. It wasn't scary...It was funny. I wish next year, we can go to another place. I'm kinda getting tired of going to StarCity every year... I feel guilty about that actually...
Speaking of guilty feelings, I felt that today when my parents asked me if I wanted to come with them to visit a sick relative of ours at the hospital. It was easy to say no to that. I mean, they are well aware of the fact that hospitals freak me out and as long as I can manage to stay away from one, I will. But then my Dad added, "we can go to the mall afterwards." That did it. I mean, it was one thing to say we are going to visit a sick relative and its another thing when he says that. Adding that brings a whole new meaning to their invitation. READ: Quality time. Damn, I hate feeling guilty...

it's finally the new year. what a great way to start my blog... well new year celebration's over and done with and it's finally 2004. today I start fresh. i've said my goodbye to 2003 and along with that goodbye was all the bullshit i experienced the whole year.
what have i done this first day of a new year? nothing special really. i just stayed home and passed the time watching dvds with my dad. i really love Freaky Friday. I think that one goes down to my list of favorite movies of all time. the songs keep playing in my head. don't wanna grow up. i wanna get out. take me away. away. away... for the first day of a new year, i didn't really do anything productive, did i? that's okay, i guess. its vacation after all and i should savor that while it's still here because come Monday it's back to school for this girl.
oh yeah, have i mentioned that despite the fact that i promised not to do any new year's resolutions for this year, i still did make a couple of them? well...i did.
(1) i promise to change and (2) i promise to study
well...that's it really. two resolutions are good enough. at least i can be sorta confident when i say I would fulfill these new year's resolutions. to change means to stop lying---deceiving my parents just so i can go out and have fun specially when it comes to the one guy i deeply love. but you know what's funny though? i have done nothing but lie to them all year long and i still am not a master of deceit. i think i should have mastered that craft by now like i have mastered looking directly in their eyes while i lie... whatever. i swear to change so guess that's what i'm gonna do. at least by being the behaved and obedient daughter, i'm gonna have my peace of mind 'cos the parental units will finally, finally get off my back. and of course, studying. i have slacked off last year when the 2nd semester started. been coming to my classes late and even skipping classes. worse--failing quizzes. i hate phil. literature. i suck!
so there...those are my resolutions and my reasons for having them. in the meantime, i have got to go talk to my boyfriend now. i miss him.

don't wanna grow up...i wanna get out...take me away...